2024 Nov 06 - Thoughts

im genuinely struggling, i feel so lost and i dont know if i can keep doing this for much longer.

i feel like im reaching a breaking point, i keep lying to myself and to others that im doing fine when im not, and i cant keep this up anymore.

i feel like a bad person, who has to be dishonest so people dont have to worry, im not okay, i never have been okay, i never will be okay, its been so long since ive considered myself okay, i dont know if the date today is even accurate, sometimes i dont even know if im home anymore, everything around me feels wrong, incorrect, not real, it scares me. im scared of everything, of myself, i feel like im losing it.

i almost started drinking recently, i didnt mean to, it felt like my hand was forced, the urge was strong, i dont want this. im not gonna get anywhere like this, im stuck, i cant progress and im suffering from it. im constantly in pain, both mentally and physically. i hate everything about this, i feel like im being toyed with.

my life has always been filled with abuse, verbally, physically, emotionally, and its still like this, and it will stay like this, until i finally get thrown out to the streets like i was threatened with already.

i cant get a job, i cant, ive tried, ive tried manually applying to so many fucking places, ive tried getting help through one of those job searching places and they denied me because they think im too mentally ill. im fucked, im actually fucked. what the fuck am i meant to do about this.

i cant even just simply get fucking help for my mental health issues, therapy place i used to go to booted me out one day, and just trying to get a SINGLE FUCKING SESSION WITH A PSYCHIATRIST HAS BEEN FUCKING DIFFICULT. this has to be fucking targetted at this point, i dont know if its even worth trying anymore, i feel like the entire world is against me and wants me dead.

i hear screams all the time, whispers that dont exist, thoughts that arent mine, none of them are good, they all want me gone. do u know how fucking draining this is? how much this drags me down with each day? higher beings much stronger than me want me dead. i am incredibly suicidal, almost the entire day i think about how freeing it would feel to just jump and end it, and fuck i would be lying it wasnt tempting.

theres nothing special about me, ive never done anything right. i completely fucked up school, vocational college was a complete failure. im not able to do things correctly, anything i try working on turns out horrible and something that anyone can make much faster and better, nothing i come up with is unique, everything i do has no reason to exist. i dont have a reason to exist, i could be replaced by literally anyone and nothing in this world would change. i am confident. there was a moment many years ago, i was about 11, when someone attacked me and tried choking me to death, looking back at it i wish that person was successful at it, because any time ive tried to kill myself ive always failed at it, and i dont know if im ever going to be successful at it, ive tried so often already.

i dont know what im meant to do, theres no clear path anymore for me, it just feels like im sitting next to a cliff just waiting for something to change when it wont, life has closed all doors for me already, i dont know what im waiting on anymore.

i dont know. thanks. no problem. im tired.